You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do instead

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on January 14, 2014

Enjoying the excitement and anticipation of what The New Year means. Johnny and I have been contemplating our individual “themes” for 2014, and mine is “Stepping Up!” His is “A New Approach”. What’s YOUR theme for 2014? I’d love to hear it!

photo You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do instead“Here we are enjoying the fun and silliness of life. Hope you are too!”

If you’ve read my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a big fan of the saying, “the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of questions you ask”. It’s so true. In this week’s article, I share with you some of the most frequently asked dis-empowering (aka just plain “wrong”) questions to ask, and then what to ask instead to get better quality answers that actually SUPPORT you (instead of hinder you) to find your man in 2014.

Have a fantastic week!

article banner1 You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do instead

candida cause2 You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do insteadAs a single woman, have you ever asked these questions? Are you asking them now?

“How do I get him to like me?”
“What will it take to make myself irresistible?”
“How do I need to act to get him to be interested in me?”
“Where do I go to find good men?”
“How will I ever find the right man?”

If so, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Those questions keep you out of your power and keep you giving your power away to someone or something else. They take the responsibility out of looking at the person who’s the common denominator of all your relationships that didn’t work out: YOU. By not looking at yourself and doing the inner work to shift your beliefs and behaviors around men and relationships, you stay on the hamster wheel of relationships: always looking outside of yourself for answers.

Yes, of COURSE those men had responsibility for how they acted and for the way they treated you. But by focusing only on THEIR PART in your so-called “failed” relationships, you allow yourself to keep repeating your same old patterns of negative beliefs and the resulting behaviors cause you to keep attracting the same man in a different body over and over.

cause and effect You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do insteadYou know what? It’s not your fault. As women, we’ve been conditioned to be victims of our circumstances and to ignore the basic universal law of Cause and Effect…. that the fact that we keep attracting a non-committal or aggressive or verbally abusive or an emotionally unavailable man (Effect) DOES, in fact, have something to do with our mindset and the way we think about ourselves and the “vibe” we are putting out there (Cause).

Here’s a few better questions to start asking:

“What do I like and even LOVE about myself?”
“How can I learn how to shift any negative beliefs and behaviors around men and relationships that I have?”
“What can I do to live my best life NOW as I attract the love of my life?”
“What kind of woman do I want to BE in relationship?”
“Do I want to LEARN how to attract my soulmate now?”
“What can I do to make my love life this year different and better than last year?”

a fresh start You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do insteadIt’s 2014. A New Year. A Fresh Start. Time to chart your course and set your sails in a new direction. Try a different approach. Start asking better questions of yourself and others regarding men and relationships. In the comment section below, share with me what question(s) resonated the most with you and why. I love to hear from you and I do my best to respond to every comment.

41 Responses to “You’re asking the wrong questions about men, here’s what to do instead”

  1. Shariah says:

    Hello Dr Lara, thank you for your post. However, I was wondering, what is wrong with asking ourselves the first list of questions? Isn’t it also to see how we can better be the woman we are meant to be to make an effect? To learn what kind of woman we want to be in a relationship, we want to know how men can like us better so we KNOW that we are actually adding value to their life too. And also being aware of what places good men are in, instead of relying on just fate to bring a man to us in a random place and trusting his words. Just asking. Because I am quite confused now. Because these questions are also useful in knowing how to attract our soulmate. But yeah, shifting core beliefs is important, not just putting up an act. Please reply, I will be waiting for your response.

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      The first set of questions give the power away to others. All of our teachings, all of our telecourses, webinars, home learning courses and our advanced course is all about taking your power back and defining yourself according to YOU… not to how you are perceived by a man. You see, if you focus on YOU first, you can attract a man who’s TRULY attracted to the real you, not just some facade you make up to “fit” what you think he wants.
      After working with thousands of women over the years, I see them making the mistake of focusing externally on what does the man want and that only makes women become a pretzel, contorting themselves to fit into someone else’s view of them… and never really knowing themselves and being truly authentic. What we are teaching is the internal focus, an inner strengthening and empowering that can only come from not trying to contort ourselves to please others.

      Hope this helps.

  2. C.Jill says:

    My theme for 2014 is Receiving Without Judgement.

  3. Ariana says:

    I LOVE that you are saying this. I end up saying much the same thing to many of my clients (both when doing Lipsology – the art of lip print reading) or my healing/coaching work. It’s only when I decide something different about myself and my interaction with men that my interaction with men will change.

    Keep up the fantastic work!


  4. Linda says:

    Hi Lara,
    I love this article as it got me thinking in a different direction. First of all my theme for 2014 is “Take Action”. The questions that resonate most with me are “What kind of woman do I want to BE in relationship” and “What can I do to make my love life this year different and better than last” (besides not having one :)). This for me is taking action to be me, to be the real me. Not a version I think my man will like at any given moment or in tough situations. But a woman who feels, is honest with myself, and speaks truthfully about how I feel and what I need. This year I will take action to be happy and at peace with myself by seeing through upsets externally and emotionally as situations that need to be solved, versus my past victim mentality and resulting actions. This won’t be a cake walk, but taking action to be the woman I aspire to be.
    Thank you so much for writing and sharing this piece. It really got me thinking in a different direction.
    Much love and hugs,

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      You’re welcome, Linda! I love your theme TAKE ACTION. Yeah!
      And you are right, this journey won’t be a cake walk, but it’s soooo worth it.

  5. Susanne says:

    What can i do to make my love life this year different and better than last year.

    I really like this question but found it difficult to answer. After doing your heart break to heart open course I realised that I was staying in victim mode and also constantly beating myself up being judge jury and hangman to my life mistakes and I haven’t been letting myself off the hook in relation to many of my mistakes…especially around my children and my marriage break up. I have been living on my own for the past 18 years and really want to allow myself the freedom to love again but think that now after being on my own and being sooo independent that I have issues with allowing someone into my space, and don’t know how to do that.

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      This is a common issue we hear from women who’ve been on their own for awhile. Start by continuing to do the inner work around having a breakthrough in love. And it sounds like forgiveness is in order too. We’ll be covering that in our Love Breakthrough Telecourse, which you’ll be hearing about soon. Maybe that’s your next step.
      Wishing you all the best,

  6. Vicky says:

    Hey Lara,
    Firstly, thank you for your blog! You have kept me grounded at times in the last few months! I am on a mission in 2014 for personal development. I want my love life to be better, different to last year (and every year of my life to date!) and I want to have a ball!

    You are so right about conditioning. My mother stayed with my manic depressive schizophrenic father “for the sake of the children” 17 years too long as a product of the era, instilling in their kids a chronic lack of self esteem, a completely dysfunctional relationship model yet strong survival skills in adversity.
    I’ve been self reliant since I was a little girl, resourceful, successful, capable, financially independent, incredibly strong. And with every barrier to love going. I’m so so careful, because I know what I’m drawn to naturally and have dated in the past, following the pattern of my parents relationship and father: emotionally abusive, withdrawn, manipulative, aggressive…
    I really thought I would never meet anyone and was quite happy to be alone, preferring that to the wrong relationship. Until last year (I’m now 41). Then I looked up one day and realised a guy I knew from work totally adored me, was amazing, was – dare I say it – my total soulmate. A best friend, a balance, my opposite yet with shared interests and values, professional respect, personal chemistry, immense attraction – everything I always wanted. EXCEPT he’s married (not exactly happily evidently, but still unavailable) and suffers depression (here we go again – and more emotionally unavailable). Crazy perhaps, but I still do think he’s my soulmate. We just get each other in a way I’ve never met with anyone else, probably because of those issues. But both of us had parents who had affairs and neither of us would want to.

    Frankly, I have no idea how to handle the situation of wanting to be in touch with someone I adore but appreciate isn’t a good situation for me. So so torn. But I need to go out and have fun. I need to take my mind off him. I need to break the chords of attachment and look after myself. So my question above would be, ““What can I do to live my best life NOW as I attract the love of my life?”

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      Your soulmate is AVAILABLE to you. If he’s not, he’s not your soulmate. Sounds like this guy may be what I call a preparatory relationship, meaning that he’s very close, he’s got a lot of the qualities that you want, but he’s not the one for whatever reason. And for you, it’s a very BIG reason. He’s married to someone else.
      Sorry to be so harsh, but you would serve your soulmate dreams better by completely letting him go and letting any notion of him being your soulmate go and focusing on, yes, as you stated, “What can I do to live my best life NOW as I attract the *true* love of my life?”

      Wishing you all the best,

  7. Izabela says:

    Thank you I really like those questions.
    What question resonated with me the most is What kind of woman do I want to be in a relationship…..As I have been growing and growing in all aspects in my life to be the best me, in a relationships I noticed that I feel into the pattern of my family ( sometimes, not always).
    So I want to make a commitment to myself to listen to my intuition initially and continue with the situation that feels right to me.
    And when I am in a relationship I make a commitment to myself that I will speak openly and calmly about what I need and what is important to me.

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      Beautiful, Izabela. And when you state what you need and what is important to you, the RIGHT man will listen and give that to you.


  8. Vicky says:

    You know why women ask themselves the ‘wrong’ questions? Look at the length of the first set of example questions vs the 2nd (the right questions). I’m not joking. Each one in the second set is noticeably longer and grammatically more complex than in the first set. When we try to engage our subconscious mind, we need to give it simple and straightforward messages that leave no room for doubt like ‘how is this relevant?’
    Intellectually I can agree with the rightness of the questions that shift responsibility on me, I’ve heard it so many times. But still my heart wonders: if I can give myself all the love I need, will I even notice a man who wants to love me?

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      If you can give yourself all the love you need, will you even notice a man who wants to love you?”
      In a word, YES.
      IF, you can let go of any scarcity thinking about love. If you think there’s only so much love you can handle…then you restrict the amount of love that comes to you… think BOTH. Successful people in all areas of life think BOTH thinking. I’m going to give myself all the love I need, and I’m going to be open and receptive to even MORE love from a wonderful man. When I say BOTH thinking, I mean thinking from an abundance mindset of MORE than enough.
      Things will only get as good as you can stand. Can you handle MORE than enough love? What would you do with it all? Could you share it more with others? Spread it around?

      Some thoughts to ponder. :-)

      • Vicky says:

        Thank you Dr Fernandez, I didn’t think about it this way. I don’t know if I could handle more than certain amount of love, perhaps I was even blocking its flow towards me as I was afraid that I can’t reciprocate. That’s a big one for me… Hmmm, now you raised an important point that I don’t have to hold onto it and treat love as some sort of material object, but that I can share it around. For sure, the world needs more love than anything. If we think 0f love as a flow of energy then feeling more loved would raise my vibrations (rather than make me explode from overabundance) and perhaps I would be more able to connect with others to give them love. I just still don’t know how to overcome this scarcity mindset. I think the problem is that my love language is a quality time, but time is limited. At least for my partner, who chose to have a busy life into which I don’t seem to fit :(

        • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

          I invite you to start practicing prosperity thinking… and by “prosperity” I don’t mean enough money, though of course that can be a part of it, I mean well being and “enough-ness” in all aspects of our lives. This is super important. This is part of what we teach in our telecourses, live workshops and advanced program. It’s hard to experience true prosperity and abundance in love and life, if we are thinking from a lack and limitation mindset. I know, I’ve done it myself. And you don’t have to “perfect” at prosperity thinking to find your soulmate… in fact, you and your soulmate can grow together with it. Johnny and I did! All that is required is to be on the “path” and start learning to think abundance and “enough” thinking… that’ll help you on your journey to soulmate love.

  9. ms mo says:

    I have always thought myself to be worthy of a good man who respects and cherishes me. I have dated men who seemed great for the first year or two, but after awhile they forgot to be on their best behavior and let their darker sides show as we all do. I left men who were controlling, manic depressive, and addicts because I believed I deserved better. well, at 43 I feel like the universe is laughing in my face. now it’s too late for me to have the family I always thought I would have, and I wonder if maybe I am not as valuable and worthy of a great man as I thought I was. so, the question about shifting negative beliefs is most relevant to me.

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      First of all, good for you for not staying with a man once you found out he wasn’t for you, because yes, you deserve better.
      Second, I invite you to consider that ALL of those men who showed up so perfectly at first but then “forgot to be on their best behavior” later had red flags that you missed. This is how you start to take responsibility for your part in attracting men who seemed great but did a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on you. You missed the red flags. I guarantee you they were there. You simply have not been taught to recognize them… or you saw them, but ignored them as many women do… until they learn more about how to recognize them. If you’d have known better, you’d have done better.
      In our telecourses and live workshops, we teach women to be so in touch with their intuition and to be in their power that they can not only recognize red flags but also recognize a good man, a match for them too. So you are right to start looking at your internal beliefs. That’s what we start to cover in our upcoming webinars and free video trainings. Keep an eye out for them!

      • ms mo says:

        yes, I saw red flags. but, aren’t we all flawed? don’t we all carry some baggage from childhood and past relationships? I was going on the assumption that we can not expect perfection in our partner, and that you have to weigh the positives and negatives your partner brings to the table to determine whether it is worth working on the difficulties you have in the relationship.
        also, my partners always denied responsibility for the red flags, said it was a misunderstanding, said they didn’t say or do what they said or did, and I always gave them the benefit of the doubt until it became a pattern.

        • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

          Ms. Mo,
          Yes, we are all flawed. But there are red flags that are not simple flaws, they are God’s warning signs. We teach this kind of stuff in our telecourses and programs.
          And… it’s a red flag that your partners DENIED responsibility for their red flags! A mature man with principles, a quality man, will accept responsibility for his mistakes, and simply will not do them again.

          • ms mo says:

            thank you for bringing some clarity to this matter for me. it has long been a source of confusion, and my willingness to always give a second, third, fourth chance has led to me wasting a lot of years with the wrong men. I will keep my eye open for your next course on this topic.

          • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

            You’re welcome, Ms. Mo.

  10. J says:

    My 2014 theme is: Keeping it Real~Standing in my Truth.

  11. Francine says:

    Thanks Lara.
    I’m putting these questions in large print above my desk as I’ve done with some of your other writings. I especially like ‘What do I like and even LOVE about myself?’

  12. Angella says:

    Hi Dr.Lara,
    I could ask myself all of those questions especially as I am doing some serious inner work after a divorce at 17 years of marriage. I am learning to become more disciplined in the way my mind and thoughts manifest what I need in my life. My question is how does one practice becoming more conscious and aware in going through the day to day routines of life, and especially in recognizing and taking advantage of blessings as they come, as in a potential soulmate??? I feel as if I’m exhausting myself by watching what I say and trying to be so conscious of what others are saying to me, and finally participating in life in a truly enlightened (work in progress) way. All this after years of living in a fog of work, children, fulfilling the needs of others, holding up my household financially, trying unsuccessfully and I must say, not always consciously, trying to hold my marriage together,and losing my sense of self and purpose in the process. Where and what aspect should I focus on first as I make certain shifts, so I do not overwhelm myself with all this great information coming from wonderful teachers like yourself??

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      GREAT questions you are asking! Here’s my answer: It’s all about YOU! ;-) Focus on YOU… first and foremost. Invest time, energy and money in finding out and learning about you and your beliefs and behaviors around men, yourself and relationships. This is key! This is the type of work we do in all of our telecourses, live workshops and advanced programs. If you’d like to learn more from us personally, stay tuned to hear about our Love Breakthrough Telecourse coming up soon.

      Here’s to love,

  13. Betti says:

    Hi Lara,

    Thank you for another timely and relevant post. My theme for 2014 is “New Habits”. I believe that through new habits I can fully embody the “real” me. The changes I’ve experienced over the last year have unleashed a confidence that I never knew I had. (love the Fresh Start next exit sign!). The question “What can I do to live my best life NOW as I attract the love of my life?” resonates with me. The time is now to take the daily steps toward the best outward expression of me by caring for my body, and consciously choosing positive thoughts, words, facial expressions and energy.
    Wishing joy to you today, Lara and Johnny,

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      This is WONDERFUL! New habits… YES. I invite you to put that question that resonates with you up on several post it notes around your house where you can’t avoid seeing it, and when your eyes light upon it, take a few seconds just to breathe and ask yourself that question… and then ANSWER it. ;-)
      This is one example of a new healthy habit that can serve you… forever.


  14. Melissa says:

    Hi Lara,
    thanks for this article. It keeps reminding me to do the inner work.
    If I dont feel proud, satisfied with myself how in the world Am I going to attract others? so that is why I keep reminding myself how important is to believe in myself ,and empower myself every day. Thanks for guiding us.

  15. May says:

    I so agree with you Lara. I am at an age when I am much wiser, & worldly wise….I have been in an unhappy marriage. but now divorced…..I want now a relationship which is a partnership of hearts….I have lived a life I wasn’t happy in….now I want a life which is going to be personally stretching & fulfilling….I am in love with someone who is quite a bit younger than me…..but I am very young myself, inside & outside. I ask myself is it going to be a long lasting relationship. But then I say to myself I must live for today, & not worry too much if it is going to end in tears….what do you think……………….. Many thanks.

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      Thanks, May. Go for your dreams! It’s not too late. Keep investing time, energy and money in developing your personal power and spiritual growth.
      That’s magnetic to blessings and miracles!

  16. Peace says:

    I like the idea of taking my Power back, it resonates LOUD and CLEAR.

    Where did my power GO and How can I re-claim it?

    Can I re-Claim it?

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      You CAN reclaim your power. Start by reading as many of my articles here on this blog. They are ALL about taking your power back!

  17. May says:

    I’ve read all the comments above from all these ladies, and its been so true for me and my circumstances… I feel very down sometimes…but then think of what you have said ….about focusing on myself and what I want..and then I want to carry on…In my family we have jealousy, envy, and spiteful remarks, and manipulation…these are traits which everyone must deal with in people. Are we considered successful when we can deal with these negative traits in people without going to pieces, or wanting to go away and hide away on my own. ( which is what I did when I was a child, and now for that matter) or should we embrace all these personality traits that are somehow somehow inherent in everyone……I would love to know what you think of this Lara….

    • Dr. Lara Fernandez says:

      Here’s what I know for sure: MOST people are inherently good inside. And most people are not perfect. All of us have our flaws and quirks. Your soulmate is not perfect, but when you meet him/her, you will see that they’re perfect for YOU.
      That said, I believe in creating solid boundaries with our families about how we allow ourselves to be treated. You teach people how to treat you. If they are flinging insults and negativity at you, you have the right to speak your truth with compassion and tell them to back off with that kind of communication… that you simply will not tolerate it. As I’ve always said, “Boundaries are a girl’s best friend”!!
      The more time, energy and money you invest in yourself…in learning and growing and personal development and spiritual learning…. the stronger you will feel inside. And that will result in you simply not tolerating (for very long anyway) disrespectful behavior. You earn the respect of others when you have a practice of respecting yourself and your boundaries. There is no other way.

      Wishing you all the best,

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