Relationships are full of contradictions and here is one of my favorites: You have probably noticed that when a relationship is not going the way we’d like it to the tendency is to blame the other person. Oh sure, a little lip service may be paid to our negative contribution to the relationship, but for the most part the responsibility for how the relationship is and isn’t is placed in the lap of the other person.
Along with that, if someone asks how the relationship is going and it isn’t going as well as we’d would like it to, we usually describe a complaint about our partner or say that something shouldn’t be the way it is—and it is their fault. Rarely do we say, “Things aren’t going as well as I’d like them to and it is because I am just not respectful to my boyfriend.” Nor do we say, “Well, it’s not going so well right now because I don’t listen to my boyfriend when he talks and I answer him like I think I already know what he is going to say.”
We don’t say that. When we are asked how things are in our relationship and we don’t like how they are going we say things like, “You know, he just doesn’t appreciate me.” “He doesn’t know what a good thing he’s got.” Here is my favorite thing in this irony…Why would we think that someone who meets the description of our laundry list of complaints is powerful enough to change the course of the relationship? It just doesn’t make sense!
So which is it? Do we want to view our partners as the embodiment of our laundry list of complaints or do we want to see them as great people who are trying very hard to create a great relationship with us? Ultimately whichever view you choose is up to you. The real question though becomes, which view will give you more power in creating real and lasting happiness?
Now some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Well, she’s got a point there.” Others of you reading this may be thinking, “I can’t wait to give this to may partner so they can see how much they are blaming me for our problems that are not my fault.” If you fall into the latter category, notice with compassion how strong the pull is to avoid fully taking responsibility for your relationship and your happiness. Notice how strong the pull is to being right.
If you are committed to being right, right you will be, but probably not so happy and more than likely not in a happy relationship. To be committed to fulfillment and happiness gives certain actions. Resolving problems through communication takes precedence over being right. Owning up to one’s responsibility in a relationship takes priority over casting blame, and that includes blaming someone else for you being unhappy.
Guest Blogger
Cristin Whiting is the newest contributing author to the Life Launch Training Team. She is currently working on two different books. Cristin participates in a weekly Master Mind group for writers. She also volunteers as a coach in a leadership training program.
Cristin has a website and multimedia blog called The Zephyr Chronicles which tells the story of her year-long quest to answer the question, “What does it mean to live a life of freedom?” Cristin enjoys abundance in her life through her love for music, dance, writing, and her family. She creates bridges through inspiring (and being inspired by) others who live abundantly and freely. Cristin currently resides in Winston-Salem and has a private psychotherapy practice as a clinical psychologist.
P.S. Check out our friend and colleague, Cheri Valentines ebook: Discover the Secrets to Attracting Happily Ever After In Love!. She’s a renowned relationship coach and EFT practitioner, and this is an easy-to-understand guide to finding everlasting happiness with your perfect life partner. Grab your free copy HERE! Enjoy!
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Thank you, Christin! This is a perspective rarely seen, and you shared it with gentleness and compassion. I don’t really know how Lara’s blog appeared in my inbox as I am very fortunately in a good, strong, and happy marriage for 34 years now!
Interestingly, your discussion was very apropos in light of my own recent experience. My husband had a bit of a rough patch emotionally, and even though it was only for part of a day, I observed in myself all kinds of reactive feelings that centered around me! From impatience and annoyance (“Doesn’t he even care how this makes me feel?”) to the equally self-centered guilt or shame that I was somehow responsible – and yet angrily wanting to deny that completely.
My resolution of these feelings came with compassionate understanding. We sometimes find ourselves in a funk, a bit down or more deeply depressed, despite our many efforts to be uplifted and uplifting – despite our meditation practices and daily readings and the best of intentions! I have been there where he was enough times to know that even as you are aware of other possibilities, and aware of how others feel in your presence, and knowing that you will feel differently again, in that moment it is just where you are. For whatever reason it’s the best you can muster. You feel a weariness that rest doesn’t touch.
What I have learned is that my desire to make it all better – to “fix it” feels to my partner like another level of burden put on his shoulders. He feels my attempts to offer a happiness perspective as highlighting his personal failure. And since I am clearly not happy about his sadness, I have further imposed upon him the burden of securing my happiness even as he’s grasping for his own. Again, I know this because I have experienced life on both sides of this equation.
We can always point to shortcomings in our partners, and we can always find ourselves lacking as well. To me, it is best to focus on how we choose to be now, and avoid altogether the dangers of shame and blame – of tallying up the score. Don’t blame and don’t assume responsibility. Simply accept what is in the moment and extend love. While consciously, deliberately focusing on loving, our happiness is natural. Be happy, and hold that space for our loved ones – that’s the most peaceful and effective approach I have found in all relationships.
The great poet Robert Burns (1759-1796) observed: “O wad some Power the giftie gie us/ To see oursels as ithers see us!” So true even in casual interactions over in five minutes, and so much more true of those to whom we reveal the depths of our hearts. Also, so true that responsibility for my experience — my experience of Life, myself, my lover, others, the world at large — resides very squarely with me. In particular, nothing so faithfully mirrors my own spiritual vibration as the emotional response I regularly elicit from others. I applaud this intelligent, powerful, and courageous article by Ms. Whiting.