Are you Single and Available? Really?

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on January 21, 2014

We’ve been enjoying this unseasonably warm and sunny weather here in the San Francisco Bay Area. It’s been in the 70’s almost every day! Usually by this time, we’ve had at least a month of regular rain. But NONE so far! Not good. So I’m enjoying these beautiful days as much as possible while thinking about the drought that may be coming and praying for a shift to rainy weather soon.

Have you been dating unavailable guys? Can’t seem to find one that “sticks”? It may be because you’re not truly available. Read on to find out more.

Have a great week!

As a single woman, for years I kept attracting men who were emotionally unavailable and scared or not ready for commitment. The relationship would start out as seemingly on track, with the guy really “into” me, and then, invariably around the 4-6 month mark, we’d break up. The reasons were almost always the same, he’s “not ready” or it was “too soon” after his previous relationship, something along those lines.

And I, as the innocent and helpless victim, would be angry or sad or, after a particularly painful breakup, I’d be numb. Never did it occur to me to see my part in the breakup. Well, actually that’s not true. I’d blame myself ENTIRELY for the whole thing… thinking I’m not enough or too much for him… or I’d blame him ENTIRELY for the breakup because of his issues. I was not emotionally mature enough yet to recognize that yes, he had his part in the dissolution of the relationship, as did I. AND… that if there was a similar pattern, over and over again, of me attracting the same type of guy, that that pattern had to do with ME.


Through the inner work that I did, I learned that those men were simply a mirror for where I was at emotionally. I didn’t like this, it certainly made me uncomfortable to look at this, but realizing that there were parts of ME that were emotionally unavailable, scared, and not ready was one of the major blocks I was able to overcome over time. It was CRUCIAL for me to recognize that I was all of those things, and from that awareness and from taking responsibility for that and owning it, things started to change at a core level. That’s when my whole LIFE started to change for the better.

Talk about empowerment! The Good Book says that “the truth will set you free”, but not until it pisses you off, humbles you, and not until you claim it as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God.

So the title of this article is “Maybe you attract unavailable guys because YOU’RE unavailable”. You could shift that a little and it would still be the truth to say, “Maybe you attract abusive guys because YOU’RE abusive”.
Or, “Maybe you attract critical, judgmental guys because YOU’RE critical and judgmental”.

Does that piss you off? Do you see this as truth or as BS? Check in for a minute. Notice yourself and your reaction to what I’m saying here. I’d love to hear from you and to read your comments below with your thoughts on this.

Until next week….

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