Are you Single and Available? Really?

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on January 21, 2014

We’ve been enjoying this unseasonably warm and sunny weather here in the San Francisco Bay Area. It’s been in the 70’s almost every day! Usually by this time, we’ve had at least a month of regular rain. But NONE so far! Not good. So I’m enjoying these beautiful days as much as possible while thinking about the drought that may be coming and praying for a shift to rainy weather soon.

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Have you been dating unavailable guys? Can’t seem to find one that “sticks”? It may be because you’re not truly available. Read on to find out more.

Have a great week!

article banner1 Are you Single and Available? Really?

091201 lonely woman 021 Are you Single and Available? Really?As a single woman, for years I kept attracting men who were emotionally unavailable and scared or not ready for commitment. The relationship would start out as seemingly on track, with the guy really “into” me, and then, invariably around the 4-6 month mark, we’d break up. The reasons were almost always the same, he’s “not ready” or it was “too soon” after his previous relationship, something along those lines.

And I, as the innocent and helpless victim, would be angry or sad or, after a particularly painful breakup, I’d be numb. Never did it occur to me to see my part in the breakup. Well, actually that’s not true. I’d blame myself ENTIRELY for the whole thing… thinking I’m not enough or too much for him… or I’d blame him ENTIRELY for the breakup because of his issues. I was not emotionally mature enough yet to recognize that yes, he had his part in the dissolution of the relationship, as did I. AND… that if there was a similar pattern, over and over again, of me attracting the same type of guy, that that pattern had to do with ME.

OUCH!

Through the inner work that I did, I learned that those men were simply a mirror for where I was at emotionally. I didn’t like this, it certainly made me uncomfortable to look at this, but realizing that there were parts of ME that were emotionally unavailable, scared, and not ready was one of the major blocks I was able to overcome over time. It was CRUCIAL for me to recognize that I was all of those things, and from that awareness and from taking responsibility for that and owning it, things started to change at a core level. That’s when my whole LIFE started to change for the better.

single women love fb Are you Single and Available? Really?Talk about empowerment! The Good Book says that “the truth will set you free”, but not until it pisses you off, humbles you, and not until you claim it as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God.

So the title of this article is “Maybe you attract unavailable guys because YOU’RE unavailable”. You could shift that a little and it would still be the truth to say, “Maybe you attract abusive guys because YOU’RE abusive”.
Or, “Maybe you attract critical, judgmental guys because YOU’RE critical and judgmental”.

Does that piss you off? Do you see this as truth or as BS? Check in for a minute. Notice yourself and your reaction to what I’m saying here. I’d love to hear from you and to read your comments below with your thoughts on this.

Until next week….

{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Kathy January 21, 2014 at 10:33 am

I too have a history of attracting men who in the long run are not available for a full commitment. I also know very well that there are parts of me that are unavailable. I am afraid of feeling smothered or trapped or having to go through yet another painful breakup. At times, I just want the whole world to leave me alone.

While I realize fully well that this is a mirror of myself I do not know how to fix this issue in me. Your article addressed the issue but had no clues as how to work through the issue. How did the person work through her issues with being unavailable??? What’s a person to do???

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:16 pm

Kathy,
Thanks for your comment. You ask about how to work through issues about being unavailable. That’s why Johnny and I offer the telecourses and live events and advanced programs that we do. To help women become empowered through their relationships and to shift themselves in order to become a magnet for love. Stay tuned for information on our upcoming telecourse, The Love Breakthrough Telecourse. That might be just what you need to make that shift for yourself and your love life.

Warmly,
Lara

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Cristina Lambert January 21, 2014 at 10:33 am

I am not unavailable. I’m open and honest, and realize the last on and off 16 year relationship I had was with a man who’s the complete opposite of my ex husband: very laid back, not at all jealous, but also afraid of commitment. It worked because I felt very comfortable with him, and could tell him anything. From him I learned what I want and don’t want in a man. The problem, as I stated in my e-mail, is WHERE to meet the right man. Every singles event I attend is always full of women. The type of man I’m interested in doesn’t seem to join these meet ups. I have a friend who’s a very attractive blonde and turn men’s heads wherever we go (I feel like her shadow when I’m with her, although I know I’m also attractive, just a different type). She just turned 71, but like me, she looks much younger than her actual age. The reason I mention her is because she also has trouble meeting the right man. She did connect with one she met online, but the relationship ended after 8-9 months (he had some serious health issues). So where do we go to meet the right men? We both live in the suburbs, in a bedroom community, with plenty of single/divorced women, but where are the men? It’s been my observation that men who want a committed relationship seem to find the right woman almost immediately, and are willing to marry again for the third or fourth time. I’m not necessarily looking for marriage, but long for a partner with whom to spend the rest of my life (could be 25 years or more, as there’s longevity on both sides of my family, and I’m healthy).

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Cristina,
I am going to respond by referring you to my article last week, entitled, “You’re Asking the Wrong Questions About Men. Here’s What to Ask Instead”. I hope it’s helpful to you.

Warmly,
Lara

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Leslee January 21, 2014 at 11:13 am

Wow! This hurt but I’m seeing where this was all true. In the past I’ve lived in the lack of life, have addictive behavior, and see how easily I run away from things because of fear. This makes me cry and I want to change. OK so this is the digging of the deep you had mentioned the other day on FB. Wow I’m glad I’m at such a low to see this and feel it, and know the change needs to happen for me to grow.
Thanks Lara
Looking forward to tomorrow.
L

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Sending you a big hug, Leslee!!!! Muah!

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Susan January 21, 2014 at 12:58 pm

Lara,

Thank you so much for this blog. This is me. I’m so glad and know that parts of me are unavailable and I’m working on them. So nice to know that I’m not alone here and that I can change and in turn attract men who are available!

Susan

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:19 pm

You are welcome, Susan. Yes… I too believe in the power of change. If you’re willing, you can have the life of your dreams.

Wishing you all the best,
Lara

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MsL January 21, 2014 at 1:19 pm

Hi Lara,
thank you for the post and addressing this issue! I believe most women could use this as a guidance to point out what they need to work on. It definitely gives me the idea that on some level I am not available and it makes me angry and frustrating. I always seem to attract really great and honest men and I can tell they deeply care about me but for whatever reason they can’t commit. And I cannot really see what I can do about it and get rid of my blocks. It makes me angry but I will try to work on it!
Much love

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm

Ms. L.,
You said, “I cannot really see what I can do about it and get rid of my blocks…”
This is what coaching is all about. Because you don’t know what you don’t know… and having a love coach who will be able to see your blocks and help you to move past them is the fastest way to getting what you want.
Stay tuned to hear about our Love Breakthrough Telecourse which we’ll be offering soon… you can get personal coaching from Johnny and me!

Here’s to love,
Lara

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Sharon January 21, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Hi Lara,

I’m seeing this pattern right now with men that I meet. I take full responsibility for it. I am working on myself (get my mind right) heal. I have taken your Man of Quality course and found it to be really helpful.

God Speed,
Sharon

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm

Sharon,
That’s great! Stay tuned for some more and new resources for you to continue to “get your mind right” around love, relationships and men. Remember, soulmate love is your birthright… and you make it your destiny by your actions!

All the best,
Lara

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Sonya stoneham January 21, 2014 at 6:51 pm

Yes, Dr.Lara that sounds like me. Now that you said it . I now have to admit I attract unavailable men because I am. I am scared to commit due to if I open up all the way I get hurt. Trust issues that there just not that into me. Thinking I am missing something if I commit

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:20 pm

Sonya,
Just by stating the truth as you see it here… you have taken one major step forward toward attracting the life of your dreams, Sonya! Keep being willing to learn and grow! This is the key!

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Syl Simmons January 21, 2014 at 7:04 pm

I’ve always wondered about this theory of like attracting like on a subconscious level…However – wouldn’t this dispute the “opposites attract” theory. I truly believe I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. So I have embarked on an inner bonding journey to discover what I’m REALLY searching for. I’ve had the privilege of being involved with successful men who have treated me well…but there was always a significant “but” that I wouldn’t live with. So I began embracing the theory “We accept the love we think we deserve” instead. Of course, what I “deserve” is in direct correlation to what I’m willing to give :) The problem is, I don’t think most men want what I’m offering!!

Thoughts/comments?

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:23 pm

Sounds like you have taken a healthy responsibility for your part in your relationships, Syl.
The way you worded your last sentence tells me a lot about your mindset in dating and relating… “I don’t think most men want what I’m offering!!”
Here’s the deal, you DON’T WANT “MOST MEN”… you are not looking for more than one man, right?? You are looking for ONE man, who is a match for you. You are looking for the RIGHT man. This is an important distinction… because it’s a LOT of pressure to try to attract lots of men… but it’s way more easy and less stressful if all you are looking for is one. The right one who’s a match for you. And YOUR SOULMATE will LOVE what you’re offering! Especially if you are offering it from an open hearted place, and especially if you have done the inner work around your beliefs and behaviors around men and relationships and cleared them up. Here’s a free resource from Johnny and me for you to check out: http://www.menofqualitydoexist.com

-Lara

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Syl Simmons January 29, 2014 at 12:17 am

Omg…that is so very powerful on so many levels. Words cannot express my gratitude for that confirmation. I have been having those very same thoughts for a little while now.

I saw the most amazing sign one day: “You’ll see it once you believe it.” Recently a “too good to be true guy popped into my life and this experience made me start to question everything I’ve ever been taught – he is scaring the heck out of me! I had to step back for a moment to get clarity!

I signed up for the course- so we’ll see how it goes.

Thank you tremendously,
Syl

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Dr. Lara Fernandez February 10, 2014 at 5:39 pm

You’re welcome, Syl. Don’t give up! The women who win in love win because they persevere and they keep growing and learning about the inner game of love… not the external game. ;-)

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alex January 21, 2014 at 9:44 pm

What a nice article! I think, in my case, it is most definitely true. I thought about that myself, long time before the article came. I was in a 6 months long distance relationship with a guy I thought was great, but he turned out to be a rude and inconsiderate person – he just told me – ”I met this girl and I really really like her and I would beat myself up if I didn’t try it with her” and that hurt me so much … but I guess that was all he could say, taking into account the fact that he was emotionally blank.
So, my question is this – I admit I have some barriers to receiving love (who doesn’t right?) what can I do to overcome them? Any suggestions Lara?
I am seeing a psychotherapist and I do read a lot of self-help books, now mostly on ACT (acceptance and commitment theory) recommended by my therapist.

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:15 pm

Alex,
I have LOTS of suggestions! The first is… sign up for our free video training called Men of Quality Do Exist. It’s like a mini-course to help you start to loosen and let go of those non-supportive beliefs and behaviors that are pushing him away. Here’s the place to sign up to receive them as they start being released on Valentine’s Day: http://www.menofqualitydoexist.com
The second suggestion is to stay tuned for information about our Love Breakthrough Telecourse that’s opening up soon, where you can receive coaching from Johnny and me.
My third recommendation is to look over this blog… I have years of articles that were written to help women overcome those barriers.

I hope this is helpful.
Many blessings,
Lara

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Zandi January 21, 2014 at 10:01 pm

Oh wow! Wow! Thanks for this revelation, especially now when I have just attracted a guy who is so similar to my ex. He is a musician just like my ex and plays the very same instrument (saxophone) he is also from a different Country and he seems to be crazy about me however I think its more sexual than a real connection. Well my ex was the same, does it mean that I have commitment issues? And I have just been hiding behind all my failed relationships and blaming my ex instead of taking ownership. Wow! Thanks! I think there is a shift though, I am kinda looking forward to knowing and sharing my life with my current boyfriend all though he is in Ghana and I reside in South Africa. I am gonna sit with this!

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:14 pm

Zandi,
I am so glad you are having an aha over this. The moment you take ownership over your relationships and start to choose differently, your life can change for the better.

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Amber January 21, 2014 at 11:26 pm

Wow Lara! I had never thought of it that way but I can see what you are saying by looking at my past relationships.
My question now is how in the heck do I become emotionally available, and less critical of myself so that I can attract someone that is emotionally available and loves me for who I am?
Thank you for this insight into my past.

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:11 pm

Amber,
I have LOTS of suggestions! The first is… sign up for our free video training called Men of Quality Do Exist. It’s like a mini-course to help you start to loosen and let go of those non-supportive beliefs and behaviors that are pushing him away. Here’s the place to sign up to receive them as they start being released on Valentine’s Day: http://www.menofqualitydoexist.com
The second suggestion is to stay tuned for information about our Love Breakthrough Telecourse that’s opening up soon, where you can receive coaching from Johnny and me.
My third recommendation is to look over this blog… I have years of articles that were written to help women overcome those barriers.

I hope this is helpful.
Many blessings,
Lara

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Izabela January 22, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Hi Dr. Lara you said check for a minute…well it took me 48 hours to process that. It seems like the paradox to me, but when I am really honest with myself I feel that on the conscious level I want love and commitment so much, but on the subconscious level there has been so much fear associated with that. It did play in my past relationship. Things would be great and as soon as I felt that things are going well……and it scared me, I would come up with something to sabotage it ( not on purpose, it would just come up out of blue) At a time it felt real what I would come up with, something small that would come as an attack on him, something that would bother me about him, usually innocent- so he would pull away. Than I felt sorry and bad about it and I apologized….until I pushed him away completely :(
My subconscious fear is that my relationship would be as bad as my parents, boring, lifeless and I do not want……….how do I solve that problem?
So my conscious and subconscious mind work as a team. So I do not feel that I am sabotaging myself and my precious life.

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:09 pm

By doing the inner work around your beliefs and behaviors about men, yourself and relationships, you ARE changing so your conscious and subconscious work as a team. The key is to never stop learning, not from a place of you’ve got to be “fixed” (I can’t stand that! And it’s simply not true)… but keep learning from a place of “I love myself and I know there’s so much more to learn about myself and how I tick and about life and love and men and relationships, and I am excited to know more”.

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Suzy January 23, 2014 at 5:24 am

Oh my , I was reading this got the You’re Unavailable You’re Abusive… but the YOU’RE critical and judgmental”that hit the spot . I always wonder why I ended up with Judgmental men . What to do from here ?

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:07 pm

Suzy,

What to do from here, you asked. Well, I have LOTS of suggestions! The first is… sign up for our free video training called Men of Quality Do Exist. It’s like a mini-course to help you start to loosen and let go of those non-supportive beliefs and behaviors that are pushing him away. Here’s the place to sign up to receive them as they start being released on Valentine’s Day: http://www.menofqualitydoexist.com
The second suggestion is to stay tuned for information about our Love Breakthrough Telecourse that’s opening up soon, where you can receive coaching from Johnny and me.
My third recommendation is to look over this blog… I have years of articles that were written to help women overcome those barriers.

I hope this is helpful.

Many blessings,
Lara

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Suzy January 31, 2014 at 7:40 am

Will do . Thanks a bunch !!

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Betti January 25, 2014 at 11:10 am

Hi Lara,

While the truth hurts it’s good to get a kick in the pants right now. I needed the jolt. From where I am right now I need to meditate on this.

Peace,
Betti

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Dr. Lara Fernandez January 28, 2014 at 4:06 pm

Beautiful, Betti! Yes, the truth hurts sometimes. I agree. But I also find it such a tremendous relief when I hear the truth. Then I can go about the business of applying that truth to my life and watching my life get better and better!
For instance, I never thought I had a problem with sugar. My mom was a diabetic, and I was always very careful not to overdo adding sugar, honey, maple syrup, or anything sweet to my foods and drinks. Whenever I’d hear about a coach who helps people with their sugar cravings, I’d say, “that’s not my problem” and just ignore it.
But after doing some work with my holistic doctor, I’ve discovered that I in fact, DO have a problem with sugar! I snuck it in unconsciously into lots more foods and drinks than I thought! I just got completely off any added sugars to my foods and drinks and I feel wayyy better. So, yes, the truth hurts… but we need to hear it! ;-)

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Donna January 30, 2014 at 4:02 am

This article resonates with me especially regarding my last serious relationship. I was not inclusive and also reacted with anger when he would do something hurtful (often just made mistakes). For whatever reason, probably because I cared so much, and started searching, I was forced to look deeper into MYSELF and saw how I sabotaged myself. I learned a lot; I think I’m in a better place. I wish I could tell you that it all worked out but it didn’t. He left and is with someone new… I guess it’s easier that way…I used to be the same way.

I’m very sad because I really still love him but am trying to be positive that there is someone else who can appreciate this more developed me. In theory I am OK but I’m having a difficult time of it. This occurred just as I went through menopause and I’m feeling that my chances are severely limited. I still want a sexually oriented “romantical” relationship but I feel like I missed the boat and that there’s not another. I’ve never had difficulty finding someone before but it seems like there are so few physically available men near me let alone emotionally available ones. Thanks for letting me vent about the second part of my response. Keep doing what you’re doing!

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Dr. Lara Fernandez February 10, 2014 at 5:41 pm

Donna,
Hang in there. Soulmate love is your birthright!!! And you can make it your destiny by the consistent and committed actions you take. Keep going towards love. It is a journey worth taking, the key is to keep learning and growing.

Love,
Lara

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Donna February 10, 2014 at 7:40 pm

Thank you for the encouraging words…yes, I shall continue taking positive steps towards love.

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