8 actions NOT to do when looking for love

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on November 25, 2014

4931371 s 8 actions NOT to do when looking for loveAs I said in a blog post awhile ago, (that seemed to get a rise out of a lot of women in our community!), finding your soulmate will take longer than you think and longer than you want. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be years and years from now, in fact, I’ll bet you’re ALREADY at the point where you feel it’s taken longer than you think and longer than you want! Good news, right? So, now is the time to savor the waiting. Now is the time to PREPARE yourself for BEING the soulmate for your soulmate, so you can allow him in your life.

And while you’re preparing for soulmate love, you also want to know what NOT to do. This week, I’m sharing with you 8 things not to do while trying to find your man. I hope you find value in it. There may be other things for you NOT to do… but this will cover a lot.

Once you have decided that you are serious, really serious, seriously serious about attracting the love of your life, your husband/wife/life-long partner then here are some things to simply STOP doing, or don’t start doing.

1. Stop sleeping around: don’t sleep with someone you don’t know really well, aren’t in love with and in a committed, monogamous relationship with (and he’s in love with you and has clearly, verbally, certainly, stated that to you, and you’re both clearly aware that you are in a monogamous relationship). If you REALLY want lifetime, committed, monogamous love, start with practicing commitment NOW. And yes, I know there is such a thing as feminism and you can sleep with whomever you want, anytime you want, it’s about what’s your intentions at this time in your life..

Gather your energy, your manna, your life force within you and only share it with someone who shares your vision for an ideal relationship, who wants what you do and has the same values. You’ve already proven you can sleep around without a committed relationship. Time to start increasing your commitment to soulmate love by your actions!

2. Stop putting yourself down: I’m not saying you have to become an egomaniac, but no one wants to be around someone who doesn’t think that highly of themselves. One of the ways people get an idea of how special you are is how special and wonderful YOU believe you are, and how you talk about yourself…so say nice (and true, of course) things about yourself. Both to yourself and to others.

18693256 s 8 actions NOT to do when looking for loveSuspect you may have low self esteem? Start by giving to others. Find a charitable organization whose mission moves your heart and soul and contribute to them. Contribute not just money, but get your friends and family to contribute too. Have people donate to this organization instead of buying you birthday gifts. Go and feed the homeless women, men, and children in your area. You’ll feel better right away! Or, at the very least, you’ll have helped someone else and focused on relieving their problems for awhile.

All the research shows that the search for happiness is at best a superficial search, and that REAL happiness is found when we have MEANING in our lives. And the ultimate meaning is found when you can clearly state how you made a difference in someone else’s life.

3. Stop zoning out on electronica. When you’re out in public, just put your cell phone in your purse, and leave it there. When you are out and about in your life, it’s common nowadays to be on your iPhone (I know, I know, I have iPhone fever too) all. the. time. Stop it. When you are out and about, in public, look up, make eye contact, be warm and friendly and PRESENT. Being PRESENT is one of the most attractive attributes ever!

15264691 s 8 actions NOT to do when looking for loveWhen you’re present, you can observe the world around you. You’ll be open and available to subtle nuances that you would have missed while tucked into your phone. Think about it: you see a cute man sitting at the coffee shop Which is more attractive: he’s stuck in his phone, with earbuds in, not paying any attention to the world around him? Or a man who is observing the world with a friendly, warm smile, who’s engaged with life, and who’s not afraid to make eye contact in a friendly (not creepy) way? It’s the same with you.

4. Stop depriving yourself. Buy yourself what you need, and yes, even a gift, often. Especially around the holidays people run themselves ragged to buy stuff for other people and they don’t invest in themselves. Investing in yourself doesn’t mean buying trinkets, it means investing in your self care, self love, self development, and self worth. Be as good to yourself as you can so when you meet the right man for you, he’ll be that good to you… or more! You see, the universe will match you at the level of commitment and self care that you show NOW.

5. Stop staying in the shallow end of the pool. If you’re tired of talking about how your ex did you wrong, or how the guys these days are only interested in one thing, or how you wish you could meet someone special but you aren’t doing a whole heck of a lot more than talking about it…then it’s time to start digging deeper. Clients in our courses often say that even after years of therapy and reading dating/self help/other books and talking to friends they have never gone as deep into what makes them tick and why they are picking the wrong guys for them as they have in our courses. Not because it’s just “something else to do”, but because of the depth. And then they notice that they begin to use the tools we provide for them to really, seriously, finally do something different. If it’s not us, get yourself a mentor/mentors (who has what you want, has done what you want to do) who you resonate with and who can walk you through looking at what makes you tick and how you can create a new life for yourself. That’s what I did. That’s what our happy clients do. It’s what you can do too. You CAN create a new life for yourself.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.”
– George Bernard Shaw

30348567 s 8 actions NOT to do when looking for love6. Stop numbing out… your pain of being single, still, for another year… if you’re feeling that pain and sadness, it is real, and what’s really important is this… Treat your feelings as important, honor and feel your feelings, and then move on. All our courses and programs are about feeling it first then healing it. As we say “if you can’t feel it you can’t heal it” so feel your feelings, reflect, cry, journal…then put down that pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream, turn off the TV, stop complaining to your bestie and get busy creating a different future for yourself, one that you know you want, but may have become afraid to go for, or just forgotten that you want. Now, you may be asking… How could I forget what I want, Lara? Here’s how: By numbing out with food, sex in an uncommitted relationship, alcohol, caffeine, TV, movies, information hoarding, overwork, buying useless stuff, etc etc etc…

7. Stop starving yourself of the time and energy you deserve to feel good about yourself. Maybe give yourself a makeover even. You may not have the time or wherewithal to do a total makeover like they do on the reality TV shows, but letting go of your clothes that don’t fit, pieces you don’t love, and things that remind you of your ex will give you a whole new feeling of you… of who you are and where you’re going. Also, if you haven’t changed your “look” in a while, maybe it’s time to freshen things up, take a girlfriend with you (you know the one, she LOVES to talk makeup with you and gets excited about new clothes, new “do”s and new shoes) and get a new hairdo, some new makeup, and press the reboot button, which is really all about being willing to have new experiences in your life. Have fun with it!

18523662 s 8 actions NOT to do when looking for loveI say the above with a HUGE CAVEAT: All the makeovers in the world will not get you the man of your dreams unless, unless!, you are internally prepared, truly open, ready and excited for the love of your life to arrive. Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living”, and I agree with that wisdom. This is what all of our teachings are about. Go within first. Then the external tweaks (like a makeover or a new hairstyle or a new outfit) are way more powerful and effective to attracting your man. The right man for you.

8. Stop spending money on useless stuff: I know, I kind of said this in #6 above, but it bears repeating with more heft. Research shows that “buyer’s remorse” (you know, when you regret that you bought something) is highest when people buy STUFF, and lowest when people invest in EXPERIENCES, and even lower still when they invest in LEARNING EXPERIENCES. An experience that’s not necessarily a learning one is an amusement park trip, a ski trip, etc. A learning experience is travel to a foreign land, a course or program, learning a language, etc. It’s something that will evolve and stretch you. Things will never make you as happy as growing your experience of life and expanding who you are as a person. If you want to experience more happiness, love, and joy in your life you have to expand who you ARE, not just what you have.

So there you go, 8 things NOT to do as you look for your man. I hope you find it helpful and if you do, please leave a comment on the blog and tell me what you’re committed to NOT doing anymore in dating and relating. I love to hear from you and I do my best to respond to everyone.

Lara & Johnny Recommend:
Something a little unusual for us to mention here, it’s about your health and wellness. Why? Because if you’re in pain or just not feeling your best it’s going to affect your openness to love, and since I use this, I know this can help you right now. My friend Jill Miller’s book, The Roll Model was just released on Amazon and hits bookstores this month. It has amazing, simple to use self-care techniques for stiff neck and shoulders, lower back, feet, headaches, even TMJ. You can learn more about it here.


What we can learn from Kim Kardashian

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on November 18, 2014

What an incredible week. Right now, I am celebrating my amazing daughter Isabelle, who just published her fourth novel! We just ordered it from Amazon, and it arrived this week:

Isabelle 300x300 What we can learn from Kim Kardashian

In case you’d like to order it for yourself or to inspire the young aspiring writer in your life, here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Forenay-Where-would-were-immortal/dp/1500428981/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416011391&sr=8-1&keywords=forenay

This week also revealed some other types of excitement in the world, some not-so-proud moments in pop culture. Enter Kim Kardashian’s bid to “Break the Internet” by posing nude on a magazine cover. I’ve got a little bit more to say about this in my article this week and what can we learn from her and about ourselves, about healing from heartbreak, standing in our power and attracting soulmate love. I hope you like it.


article banner1 What we can learn from Kim Kardashian

lonely girl What we can learn from Kim KardashianDo you ever think you “should” be at a different place in your life in order to manifest your soulmate? (I’ll get to the Kim Kardashian lesson in a moment. But first, please take a moment to answer these questions)

Do these thoughts come up for you (or some version of them)?

- I should lose weight and have a perfectly fit and toned body before I attract my beloved into my life.

- I should be more financially stable or have a certain level of income before I manifest my soulmate

- I should just have myself more together before he shows up.

I know these thoughts come up because I had them myself! And I remember clearly the day that shifted my perspective and ultimately changed my life: my love coach told me that MY soulmate would love me just as I am, RIGHT NOW and not to keep putting him off energetically by the “someday I’ll” syndrome.

She made it very clear that many times, the “shoulds” in our lives are really just excuses to put things off because we are afraid. We are afraid of getting hurt again or we are scared to do the inner work and examination that needs to be done. Or we simply don’t know there IS any inner work to be done. We identify so strongly with our outer personas that we forget (or never know) that there’s WAY more to us than our bodies.

HELLO! That really hit home for me.

Self Love What we can learn from Kim KardashianI really got from my love coach that attracting love is a paradox: Love yourself exactly as you are right now AND keep doing the inner work, raising your vibration by attending personal development workshops, and taking good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and growing financially. In other words, keep stepping into your BEST version of yourself.

The minute I heard this, something shifted dramatically in me. It was like a heavy brick had been removed from my heart. I let Johnny in energetically at that moment and with my continued growth and caring expert guidance everything came together very quickly after that.

Please know that wherever you may be in your life right now – financially, health-wise, career-wise, or socially – you DO deserve to find the love of your life. Just because you exist and simply because you were born, you deserve powerful Soulmate Love. And it IS your birthright. But you can only make it your DESTINY by going for it! Yes, go for it now! It rarely just falls in your lap. And making soulmate love your destiny has everything to do with you and how you feel about yourself and your life. Not only your self esteem, but your self image as well.

This week, the internet was boiling over with images of Kim Kardashian’s latest publicity stunt, a picture of her nude on the cover of a magazine. Now, you may be asking, what does this have to do with ME and my love life?

It has a lot to do with you and your love life! Allow me to explain.

4019592780 99d10404ca z What we can learn from Kim KardashianFirst of all, I realize this is a free country and Ms. Kardashian can wear (or not wear) whatever she goddamn pleases. I know that. And, since this is a free country, I can say whatever I want about it here on my blog. Yay for democracy! icon wink What we can learn from Kim Kardashian So, here’s my take:

Everything I’ve seen in the tabloids lately about Kim Kardashian and her hubby Kanye West is that their marriage is in trouble. Deep trouble. (Please know that I don’t usually read the tabloids that much at all. I’ve been following this particular story all week because of its implications for women and in particular, their journey to finding their Mr. Right.) I actually questioned whether or not I should write about this, because I didn’t want to add my voice to the millions of hits Kim’s getting as a result of her stunt. And I didn’t want to just bash her, God knows she’s getting plenty of that, too…bless her heart.

But I was troubled that a young woman, a wife and mother with a successful career of simply being famous for being famous, would decide that it’s a good idea to do this. Honestly, my heart goes out to her. As always, I look at a person’s actions as a reflection on what’s going on inside. And if THIS is all she thinks she has to contribute to the world, what must she think of herself?

If she’s objectifying herself, and encouraging others to objectify her as simply a sexual object, what does that say about her self esteem and self image? These are things to think about.

I’d like to hope that there’s more to Kim than this. I pray that she grows into her *true* power, that she taps into that shimmering essence within (that’s within all of us), and starts to take the inner journey toward self love and self respect and self empowerment.

I know that she’s had lots of heartbreak and drama over the years in her relationships, and this relationship is no different. I pray she and her husband commit to self empowerment and personal and spiritual growth and that they can grow together and be a loving role model for their little daughter. This is my hope, however slim the chance may be that it actually happens.

ID 10059990 1 What we can learn from Kim KardashianWhat we can learn from Kim is to start doing the inner work to heal from heartbreak and relationship pain. We can learn to NOT desperately look for attention, any type of attention to feel some inner validation. We can also learn that everybody has been wounded in love, and that some people just choose to act out in different ways and on bigger stages to cover up those wounds. And we can re-commit to being what Johnny and I call a “High Value Woman”: a woman who honors and respects herself and knows her intrinsic worth and value.

Do you know your intrinsic worth and value? Have you done the inner work to heal from the past and move on to living your best life now? We’ve seen lots of amazing women learn what we have to share and use it to change their lives, then again, there are some women who choose to sit at home and pass on our courses and live events month after month, even year after year. While they have lots of logical reasons, I’m sure, it may just be that they are afraid to let love in. Might that be you, too?

Our courses and programs are powerful, and plain and simple –and they work. So why wouldn’t someone make a decision to learn more, heal more, and let more love in? In my experience (now having worked with over a thousand women over the last ten years) I believe it’s fear, masquerading as “rational” and “logical” reasons to wait. Oftentimes, “waiting” for things to be “perfect” can turn into a lifetime of waiting, frozen in fear, and a lifetime of no true love.

Let love in…a lifetime of love is awaiting you. Move past your “shoulds”, move past any fears, and choose LOVE, right now.

SoulmateCouple 300x251 What we can learn from Kim Kardashian“Love is a powerful catalyst for transforming our lives. What greater force for good, what greater depth of emotion exists, what greater gift could one give or receive than love? Some believe that love is our sole reason for being. Our earthly mission is to expand our capacity to love along the way. One of the major tasks we are charged with in our lifetime is to learn to love – to come from our hearts, to lead with our hearts.”

- Bettie Youngs, in her book, Gifts of the Heart: Stories that Celebrate Life’s Defining Moments

I’m glad I decided to let love in. To let Johnny love me even though I wasn’t “perfect”, the “timing wasn’t right” and all that…stuff. If not now…when? Oh, and our Fall Sale on our popular home learning course – Heartbreak to Heart Open – ends in a few days. Learn more here.

P.S. By the way, a recent graduate of our programs is now happily married to her soulmate and they are expecting their first child together, a little girl. As a mother-to-be of a little girl she wrote on her own health blog about this same subject. Raw and real, she has good stuff to share. She said she cried when she discovered they were having a girl, read here and discover why.

Johnny and Lara Recommend:

Healing that heartbreak from home, right now.

Had some heartbreak in your past you feel you may not be healed from? Interested in addressing that, and save some money while you do? You might want to check out our Fall Sale on our powerful home learning course – Heartbreak to Heart Open. You can save over 50% for just a few more days. Learn more and get started on healing that heart HERE.


Did that painful breakup make you BETTER?

November 11, 2014

After a great weekend delivering a workshop to our clients, we are resting and rejuvenating ourselves right now. There’s nothing like supporting amazing, powerful, awesome women in remembering how amazing, powerful and awesome they truly are! I’m excited to share our video teaching series The Magic of Heartbreak, with you for a limited time. I’ve […]

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“What will it take to make myself irresistible?” If You Want Love, Do this.

November 4, 2014

This week, we celebrated Dia de Los Muertos, where we honor the spirits of our loved ones who have passed on. Every year, we create an ofrenda, an altar, to remember our ancestors. I love doing it. It feels like the right thing to do for our family. Here’s a picture of this year’s altar: […]

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Intuition or Insecurity?

October 28, 2014

Last week was my 45th birthday week! I feel really good going into my mid-40’s, even more comfortable in my skin than ever. Johnny whisked me away for a romantic weekend in San Francisco to celebrate. Here’s a few pics: Life is so good right now. As we move into the holiday season, (yes, I […]

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5 Easy Things You Can Do Right Now To Prepare For Love

October 21, 2014

So I am a new auntie! Johnny’s sister Zahra (who lives in Denmark) just had a little baby girl, Chloe, a week ago! We are enjoying the pictures and oo-ing and ah-ing over them and cannot wait to visit next summer and get to meet her precious self! As we reflected on all that Zahra […]

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