7 ways you hold yourself back from finding love

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on January 20, 2015

Johnny & Lara Recommend:

The Happy Relationships Summit
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How do you hold yourself back from finding your Mr. Right? Now, if you’re thinking, “Oh no, not ME! I’m not holding myself back in any way” …or if you’re kind of annoyed at me for assuming that you’re doing that – or even if you’re just curious, please take a deep breath and allow me to explain.

After ten years coaching and mentoring and guiding thousands of women, I can tell you that if you WANT to find your mate, and you’ve been serious about it for awhile now, and it hasn’t happened yet… then you’re holding yourself back in some way, sister.

I know you are, because I did it too. I unconsciously stopped myself from finally finding my beloved for years. And slowly, through the inner work that I did with my love mentor and by staying committed to being a Student of Love, with support, I unpacked and unravelled most of what kept me from allowing love to come to me. Notice that I didn’t say ALL. This is an important distinction. You see, what’s important to really GET is that we can never fully release what’s holding us back in love– because what’s stopping us in relationships is often what’s holding us back in life. The old adage, “how you do anything is how you do everything” applies here.

Now, this is great news! This means you don’t have to be “perfect” or completely cleared of every single block! All that’s required is that you get on the path and start releasing some of what’s holding you back. The rest of those blocks you can work on WITH your soulmate! Yay! ;-)

So to help you get on your path and start clearing up some, not necessarily all of what’s stopping you from magnetizing your love, I’ve compiled a list of 7 of the most common things we see in the women who’re looking for their true love.

1. You’re waiting on your whole life to be perfect.

I don’t care what you’ve been telling yourself, you don’t have to have it ALL together for soulmate love. I’m living proof! ;-) I remember thinking I had to have these 3 things in place before I could find a guy who would truly love me:

- lose the nagging extra 15 pounds
– make a lot more money and have a certain amount in savings and my Roth IRA
– own my own home

Turns out- none of that was necessary to find Johnny. Thank God!

2. You keep waiting on someone to give you permission.

“Permission?? For what??”, you may be asking.

Permission to take the time for yourself and invest in becoming your best version of you, ever. You, 3.0. When single women join us in our LIVE Love Breakthrough Telecourse (coming up in March), for many of them, this is an important step in saying YES to finding their soul’s mate… something they may not have taken action on in a real world way before. Something that they’ve been dreaming and wishing about and talking about with friends and occasionally reading a magazine article about, but that’s about it.

Some women have been told that they’re too picky because they’re not willing to settle anymore. The too-common mindset in this culture is one of settling in romantic relationships and that you have to work hard at relationships. Not true. Well, actually you do have to work hard when it’s not a match, but when you’re connected with your soulmate, you DO have to work and focus on the relationship but you joyfully do it because it matters to you both so much that you WANT to work on it, you WANT to foster the sacred connection you have. But it’s not hard, toiling, suffering work at all.

And let me be crystal clear here: Sometimes life throws you some hard curveballs, but the two of you will attack the problems together, and not attack each other. So, in that case, working “hard” is on tackling the problem… and that happens sometimes. However, as the great philosopher Zig Ziglar stated, “Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” With your soulmate, you’re on the same side!

Don’t wait for permission, go for attracting your best love, now.

3. You let the past equal the future

You’ve gotten hurt in the past, dear lady. I know that. Me too. But by holding on to what happened, how your ex abandoned you or left you for another woman, or simply broke your heart, your doubts and worries about what’s going to happen or what COULD happen are definitely holding you back in love.

Many women tell me that they’re afraid to find love again, because they’re equating love with pain. But what I do my best to explain is that soulmate love, as Johnny and I define it, by its very nature, is not painful. It’s the best thing you’ll ever experience. There’s nothing better than KNOWING your partner has got your back and holds you in the highest esteem.

In order to move on for real, you’ve got to let go of the equation in your head: my past = my future. That’s an equation that doesn’t serve you and your dreams at all. Your new equation? Here it is:

My future = my newly created beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and ACTIONS towards my dreams.

4. You’re giving your power away.

What do I mean by this? I mean, you’re not speaking your truth in some or all areas of your life. Perhaps at work, your boss is not treating you with respect and you put up with it, worried that you’ll lose your job and benefits if you say something to him/her. Or maybe when you go out on a date, you’re worried more about what HE thinks of you, rather than what YOU think of him, and whether or not you want to see him again, independent of whether or not he asks you out or not.

Another way women give their power away is by sleeping with a man before a commitment to being in a monogamous relationship, thinking that that’s the way they’ll entice him to love them. Or not having “the talk” about birth control and STD testing/prevention BEFORE they are all hot and heavy in the bedroom. Having “the talk” is indicative of a mature, adult relationship, and it needs to be done in a neutral zone where the two of you are calm, cool and collected, not letting chemistry take over, where you’ll both say anything to sleep together.

Another very common thing we see women doing is not knowing how to politely, yet clearly and firmly, say “no thank you” when they’re not interested in dating a guy who asks them out. They are so worried about not hurting his feelings, that they are not being crystal clear with men. Doesn’t mean you have to be unkind, but you DO want to be clear and speak your truth. When you’re not doing the focused inner work like we do in our courses and programs, you’ll have lots of opportunities to say NO to the wrong guy(s), so you need to be well practiced in it.

Step into your feminine power, girlfriend. This is one of the most important things you can learn to do, is stand up and speak the truth without mincing words, in a cool, calm and collected way. A quality man, a strong man, will find that immensely attractive. A guy who’s not in his own power and who doesn’t know what he stands for won’t like it, but who cares? Let those guys get all bent out of shape and move on and remember that if you can learn to speak clearly, compassionately, and honestly from your own inner strength and courage, a GOOD MAN will love and appreciate that about you. How do I know? It’s one of the things Johnny tells me he loves about me, and what our clients say their man loves about them. It can be that for you, too.

5. You’re not kind to yourself (therefore you’re critical and judgmental of others)

If you’ve been emotionally beating yourself up about not finding your guy yet, or not getting that promotion, or not losing that 10 pounds yet, I invite you to stop that. I know, easier said than done, right? But here’s what I know about this stuff, the more you judge yourself, the more you will criticize and judge others for their quirks and imperfections… and that comes across to potential soulmates as bitter, harsh, and full of drama. Ouch. NOT attractive. In fact, it’s a downright repellent to what you really want in life and love.

Have you ever known someone like what I’m describing? I can think of several people who are harsh in their language with others, bitter-sounding, and blaming others for their issues. When I see them, I really want to turn and walk away. They are energy vampires. I certainly don’t wish any harm to them, but I don’t want to be in their space or get affected by their energy. And I know I’m not the only one.

Learn to change your self talk into more kind and supportive language. Over time, that way of talking will leak out and affect how you are with others. Start by catching yourself as often as possible when you’re beating up on yourself and playing the coulda, woulda, shoulda game with yourself. Change your language, change your life.

6. You assume negative intent from men most of the time.

What do I mean by this? I mean that most of the time you interact with a man, you assume something negative about him and his interactions with you or other women. I understand that this is a protective mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt by unscrupulous men but unfortunately, it holds you back from finding love and enjoying your soulmate journey to its fullest extent.

I remember a client we worked with years ago. In our advanced program, we work closely with clients and one of the things we do is help them craft an online dating profile. This particular client, whom I’ll call Anna, faithfully followed our every suggestion and advice about how to write the profile and then how to interact with men who were interested in her, and whom she was interested in. EXCEPT… she kept meeting men that were very interested in her and who looked really good, but she’d assume negative intent from every one! At first, we didn’t notice this habit, but after months of interacting with guys and NO DATES, we knew something was up.

She was assuming negative intent. She was trying to look at the hidden meaning underneath every guy’s message and interaction with her. And the “hidden meaning” never had a positive gist. It was always negative and every single time, she would automatically cut the guy off without giving him a chance. No wonder she hated dating online! It was an exhausting venture, and reaping nothing positive for her at all. But once we explained to her about learning to assume POSITIVE intent, she was willing to do her best and give it a try.

As the amazing Marianne Williamson says:

“Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. If we’re frantic, life will be frantic. If we’re peaceful, life will be peaceful. And so our goal in any situation becomes inner peace.”
― Marianne Williamson

Once she switched the energy that she was infusing into online dating (I’m not saying it was easy… and it took time and support from me and Johnny in the program to shift habitual patterns of thinking), and she started infuse JOY and FUN into the process, she started having more fun. She didn’t meet her Mr. Right right away, but within about 3 months, she met him. And they’ve been together ever since! (And this was after YEARS of dating online before working with us)

I want to be sure to say this doesn’t mean you ignore the red flags and what Johnny and I call “yellow alerts” when you see them. We teach our clients how to be aware of those, for sure.

So, have I convinced you yet? Start assuming positive intent with the men you meet. If you want to learn more about what QUALITY men are looking for, and how they think, you’ll want to check this out HERE.

7. You keep putting off being great.

There’s something inside our consciousness that keeps saying, “someday, someday” and keeps delaying our lives from being great. It’s the self saboteur, the inner critic, the ego mind, aka the “old bitch upstairs”. The inner voice says something like this: Someday, when my career is totally on track, THEN I’ll be ready to find my man. Or:

Once I lose that 15 pounds, then I’ll be worthy to have a man find me attractive and love me back.

Listen, you ARE great now. You are worthy of love, NOW. Promise yourself that you’ll settle for nothing less. A Sacred Promise to yourself is SO important. Soulmate love… the kind of love that lasts a lifetime and brings you joy, connection, freedom (yes, freedom. With your soulmate, you feel MORE free), and safety… this is your birthright. Make it happen this year by your actions this year. Stop putting off being great.

Stay tuned on how to make your dreams of love happen in 2015! We want to help you do that, dear one. It is our honor and our joy and our driving mission.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear if any of these resonated with you and if so, how. I do my best to respond to every comment.

Have a beautiful, heart opening week.

Feeling overwhelmed? How to get centered again.

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on January 13, 2015

Happy New Year! (we can still say that) Have you been feeling overwhelmed in your life lately? I know that we can hardly call “feeling scattered” the most dramatic or dangerous complaint in the world, and it’s true that compared with starvation or facing a terminal or serious illness, being overwhelmed or frazzled isn’t that terrible a problem. But these days among professional American women especially, it’s pretty common.

Neuropsychologist and author Rick Hanson wrote this in his recent newsletter: “We now have a Western and especially American culture of busyness. If you’re not busy, you must not be important. If you don’t have a lot on your mind, you must be underperforming. If your kids aren’t busy with homework and after-school activities, they won’t get ahead. If you don’t look busy, someone will ask you to work harder, etc.”

In this modern era of the 24 hour news cycle, Twitter, and iPhones attached to our person all the time, many women are feeling like our attention, energy, and selfhood are divided and out of our control. These feelings are encouraged by others when we are getting texts at 11 pm or seeing emails sent at 4 am. The problem is, it’s leaving lots of women with a sense that we’re missing out on our lives and that we are not the creators of our lives. In fact, we’ve simply become consumers, reactors, and spectators of life and if we’re not careful about where our attention is going, we’ll lose the ability to be CREATORS of our lives. As Seth Godin has said, “We don’t have an information shortage, we have an attention shortage.”

Johnny recently attended a seminar with some amazing thought leaders and spiritual teachers and the theme of the entire event was simply this: Your time is the most valuable commodity that you own. That’s right. Your time, and what you focus on is more valuable than anything else.

So, what’s a self-aware woman like you to do continue to be the creator (along with your Higher Power, of course) of your life? Here’s some advice from Rick based on his books and newsletters on how to “hardwire happiness”:

1. Savor pleasure
“As the brain evolved, pleasure and its underlying endorphins and other natural opioids developed to pull our ancestors out of disturbed fight-flight-freeze bursts of stress and return them to and keep them in a sustainable equilibrium of recover-replenish-repair. Let physical or mental pleasure really land; give yourself over to it fully rather than looking for the next thing,” he writes.

So, what can you do today to bring joy and pleasure in your life? I’ve outlined a few suggestions in a previous blog article here.

2. Move
I know you’ve heard it before: we need to MOVE on the daily. And if the gym isn’t your thing, there’s plenty of options. One of my favorites and one of the easiest is to have a 30 minute solo dance party. I have a playlist that has my favorite dance songs on it and I put it on, and dance around the living room! Yes, I really do this. Just ask Johnny. “Dance, exercise, yoga, walks, lovemaking, play, and athletics all re-set the body-mind,” Rick says.

3. Get out there… in nature.
“We evolved in nature, and multiple studies are showing that natural settings–the beach, wilderness, sitting under a tree in your backyard–are restorative.”

One action that I recommend is something called “earthing”. This is basically walking barefoot on the ground. The idea behind this is that our bodies were made to come into contact with the Earth (which is a “grounding” force) on a regular basis. Positive electrons in the form of free radicals can build up in our bodies and direct contact with the ground balances this out as it is a negative grounding charge.

Our bodies and cells have electrical energy, and especially with the high prevalence of Electromagnetic waves, Wi-Fi and mobile phone waves, many of us have a high amount of positive electrons built up in our bodies.

When in direct contact with the Earth, your body becomes suffused with negative charged free electrons and equalizes to the same electric energy level as the earth. So how’s that beneficial?

According to emerging research, Earthing can be beneficial in:

  • Reducing inflammation by defusing excess positive electrons
  • Reducing chronic pain
  • Improving Sleep (I can vouch strongly for this!)
  • Increasing Energy (I noticed this also)
  • Lowering stress and promoting calmness by reducing stress hormones.
  • Normalizing biological rhythms including circadian rhythm
  • Improving blood pressure and blood flow
  • Relieving muscle tension and headache (I noticed this)
  • Lessens menstrual and female hormone symptoms
  • Speeds healing- used in some places to prevent bed sores
  • Can eliminate jet lag
  • Protecting the body from EMFs
  • Shortens recovery time from injury or athletic activity
  • Reducing or eliminating snoring
  • Helping support adrenal health

Give earthing a try regularly. Health experts recommend doing it three times a week for 30 minutes at a time.

4. Enjoy art
Our Western culture doesn’t always prioritize art (look how it’s been cut back in schools!), but engaging in an artistic or a crafty hobby, from listening to music or baking a cake to doing crafts or reading novels, has been shown to boost your empathy and improve your critical thinking and social skills. According to Hanson, it can also fight that scattered, burned out feeling by boosting your serotonin and oxytocin levels, the feel good and connecting neurotransmitters.

Here’s what a day of crafting and de-stressing looks like at our house… ;-)

5. Focus on what REALLY matters in life
There’s a mindset in our culture… and mindset of consumerism and never-ending “ON” time. Make sure to schedule your time OFF the electronics and get connected in the real world with people who really matter to you.

“This means waking up from … the enchantments woven by the wanting mind in concert with culture and commerce. We normally pursue hundreds of little goals each day–return this call, organize that event, produce these emails, get across those points–associated with presumed rewards produced by ancient brain centers to motivate our reptilian and mammalian ancestors. Let the truth land that these rewards are rarely as good as promised. Again and again I’ve had to remind myself to quit chasing the brass ring,” Hanson writes. Instead of chasing that next big thing, how can you stay grounded and present to your blessings right now?

I hope this article is helpful and that you get some value out of it. Please share below in the comment section one new action you’ll start to do or one action you’ve been doing that helps you stay centered and peaceful. I love to hear from you and I do my best to respond to every comment.

Have a blessed week!

Johnny and Lara Recommend:

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