Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.

by Dr. Lara Fernandez on December 16, 2014

32790499 s Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.I remember the holiday seasons when I was single. The dread I felt every time another party invitation came in the mail because that meant I either had to go alone or had to dredge up a date. Ugh. I remember Christmas shopping for my dad, and wishing I was in that same department store finding something special for my soulmate too.

And New Year’s Eve? Don’t even get me started. After one particularly BAD New Year’s Eve party ended up with me walking across downtown San Francisco at one o’clock in the morning in the pouring cold rain for TWO HOURS, I swore I’d never go out on New Year’s Eve again. (Long story that I can laugh at now)

So I’ve been there. But here’s the thing. Once I made the life-changing DECISION and commitment that I was going to intentionally and consciously attract the right man for me, and then took action on that decision by hiring my love mentor and started taking courses and doing my personal growth work (whew! That was a long run-on sentence), I learned something huge about attracting love to me. Here it is:
Success in attracting your true love can only happen from a place of happiness and joy within yourself.

Now, hold on before you get all upset thinking that I’m saying that everything has to be perfect in your life before you can find him…. I’m NOT saying that.

What I’m saying is: your “come-from” (the energy that you’re coming from) when consciously and intentionally attracting your soulmate is JUST AS IMPORTANT as the fact that you put time, energy and money into growing yourself first. In fact, I’d dare to say it’s more important.So how do you shift your “come-from” this holiday season (if it needs shifting) to keep your mood and your magnetism up??!?

16711635 s Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.Good question, girlfriend. And I’ve got answers for you.

I’ve compiled a 6 step checklist here for you to beat those holiday singlehood blues. You’re welcome! (I’ve heard from lots of our readers that ya’ll just love a good checklist)

6 Steps to Beat the Holiday Singlehood Blues:

Step #1: If you resolve anything, resolve to stop saying “I’m sorry” so much.
The sense of being “sorry” – sorry for being “in someones way” sorry for touching someone while walking down a crowded street, sorry for using a cart, bag, or thing that someone else had the idea to use – all reveals you’re feeling sorry inside for one thing – for taking up space. For breathing. For being alive!

Sadly, Johnny and I notice it practically every day. The apologies, the deference, the not feeling worthy of taking up space by far too many women. Listen, this is a busy time of year, I’m not saying don’t apologize for knocking into someone, or stepping on their toe, I’m talking about the non-stop apologizing that we see far too many women state for any reason, and for no reason at all!

You deserve to be here! To take up space! To use that cart, to walk on the street or mall hallways. Don’t apologize for being here. We’re glad you’re here, and when you recognize your own value more, and stop apologizing so much, you’ll feel better about yourself, and eventually see that your soulmate is happy you are here too.

Step #2. Cultivate a sense of wonder and awe within yourself about the holidays.
Let go of judgmental thoughts about the crazy commercialism that’s going on right now. That doesn’t help you at all. What you focus on expands and grows. Focus on the reason for the season. Look up and read the history of this time period and why it’s such a sacred time. It’s been sacred for centuries, to many different cultures and belief systems. There’s a reason that it all started and it’s never been about getting the newest electronic gadget under the tree or buying the perfect gift for someone.

7640802 s Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.So, stop focusing on judging others for their obsessions around getting the “perfect gift” or all the obligatory but really thoughtless spending of your hard earned money, and precious time. Focus on what really matters: your connection with the people you love and your community. Take your child or your niece or nephew to see the Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, or Kwanzaa lights. Do whatever you can to look for and to see the lights and the wonder from their eyes. As you move throughout your holidays, ask yourself this beautiful yet powerful question:
“Where can I find the joy in the present moment right now?”
Another great question to ask yourself:
“What’s beautiful about this season?”
What you focus on expands to the degree that you focus on it. If you want more joy and peace and to see more giving… focus on what you DO see of it around you. Actively LOOK for these qualities in the people around you.

Step #3. Daily quiet time.
A mere 5 minutes a day of reflection is so crucial right now. Make yourself a nice cup of hot tea, and just sit and reflect on the good stuff in your life. Pray to your Higher Power for peace of mind and serenity during this busy time. Prayer works. Make conscious contact with God/Higher Power/Universe/Great Spirit and give thanks for this moment. Give yourself this CRUCIAL gift of just 5 minutes by yourself, for yourself, in gratitude and thanks for the blessings in your life. I dare you to try this for the next 7 days. Commit to it. Watch your life get better. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough” – Meister Eckhart

Step #4: Keep learning and growing.
In order to have something you’ve never had before, you need to become a person you’ve never been before. Be willing and open to new and fresh ideas. New Insights about yourself, love, and life. You need to continue to learn and grow, which is what we call being a Student of Love. At a loss for ideas for how to do this? I’ve got some for you. Check out our Holiday Sale on our home learning courses for you to continue to stay inspired and to learn more about YOU and how you tick, so you can become a magnet for soulmate love and the life of your dreams!

20047471 s Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.The other day, Johnny and I were reflecting about our upbringings, and how, though we had people that loved us and did their best, they had NO idea what healthy loving relationships were and how to help us experience that in our lives. So, after both being married and thankfully divorced, how are we now here, gloriously happily married for 14 years and going strong? How are we helping SO many others create their own happy and healthy loving relationships? To live their dreams with their soulmate by their side? Learning, more specifically- LOVE of Learning. You’re either growing or dying. You can LEARN to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship with the right person for you. It can start right here. (oh, and if you want to learn with us live and in person- you can get a complimentary ticket to our Love Breakthrough Weekend when you purchase a couple of courses, too, get details here). So…learning, a LOVE of learning. It’s not the magic pill we all wish for (yes, I wish for it too) but it works. We’re living proof. And our happy clients are too. And you can be living proof too. Really.

Step #5: Stay in a community where the conversation is positive, supportive, loving, and uplifting
Cultivate your own “bubble” so you can stay immersed in high energy vibrations and be attractive to miracles in your life. You want to go for what many people think is impossible and live a life that many people don’t think is possible to live. Especially when you’re talking about something like attracting your soulmate, you’ll find that the media, that general society, and yes, even some naysayers in your friends and family just don’t think it’s possible. So of course it’s not possible… for them.

Stay around people who believe it’s possible – that’ll help you with any doubts, insecurities or fears, so that you can stay believing that it’s possible for YOU. So ask yourself now, “How can I keep myself around people with whom the network of conversation is positive, uplifting, insightful, meaningful, and full of hope, belief and spiritual joy?”

10947413 s Single during the holidays? Here’s what to do.Step #6: Say YES to what you do want to do, and NO to what you don’t.
During the holiday season, it’s easy to just keep saying yes to parties, gatherings and events, and to get yourself overwhelmed in the process. Make sure you are scheduling plenty of down time during the month of December, and that when you RSVP “yes” to a party, that you REALLY MEAN IT. And don’t be afraid to say NO. It’s better to say NO and mean it, than to say yes and then flake out at the last minute or feel resentful about going.

This is an important time to focus on yourself and what you want in 2015, give yourself the space and the energy to focus on and invest in your dreams. Give yourself the gift of SPACIOUSNESS in order to dream and to think bigger for yourself and your life. No one else can do this for you.

So there you have it. How to beat the holiday blues that can block the sacredness of this time. I sincerely hope this helps you stay grounded and joyful throughout the holiday season, and hopeful for 2015.

So, what are you going to do to keep your vibration high during the holidays as a single woman? Please DO share in the comments section below. I love to hear from you and I do my best to respond to every comment as soon as I can.

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How we really learn, and is 1-on-1 coaching right for you?

by Johnny Fernandez on December 9, 2014

18596871 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?Many women ask us if we offer one-on-one coaching. And we totally get why…the desire to feel heard, the feeling that if you had someone who understood your unique circumstances, then you’d finally learn how you navigate out of where you are and go where you want to – in this case – happily in love with, and loved by, the right man for you. So often, we feel that if we just got some understanding, and more importantly were fully understood, then things would get MUCH easier for us.

Unfortunately, I’ve heard it described this way – “understanding is the booby prize”, meaning that, while it’s important to understand how you’re operating in the world, and definitely important to be understood, when it comes to one-on-coaching around your love life…you probably know more about yourself than you realize.

Now, this article may surprise you, and may even be controversial, (especially to those who do “dating and relationship coaching”) but you’ll want to read the whole article so you really understand. We’ll also share some mistakes we made when we first started doing this work ten years ago.

When we first started doing this work, we offered one-on-one coaching to our clients because that’s what they kept asking for and we really wanted to help them. We still do, of course. And that’s why, when we stepped back and reflected on what was happening for them in the coaching, and saw the ways in which we were meeting their needs (or not), and looked at our main commitment – nothing short of life-transformation and the fastest and easiest way to attract soulmate love, we had to come to this conclusion…

16134333 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?…we weren’t helping them as much as we wanted to, nor as much as they wanted, and needed, us to. Which is weird because we understood them very well. And our coaching was industry standard best practices. They even understood their self-sabotage and internal issues better than they ever did, they understood what was holding them back, they even understood things that they never knew about themselves. But the progress was sssssllllloooowwwww. And it took SO much time. Meeting for coaching one hour a month? At that pace, the real change could take 10 years. Two hours a month? A bit faster, at least it’ll be under a decade. 3, 4, 5 times a month for several months? Wow. Costly. And still…not as effective in creating change as we were hoping. The surprising thing was, the more we listened to them, and the more we all talked the more progress slowed. But we were still getting good results with our clients so we were growing and our plates were VERY full, so we went out and conducted a worldwide search and hired some other coaches to coach our clients one-on-one, allowing us to focus on group coaching calls and live events, and they would still be served. Now, these were not just any coaches, we did a nationwide search, not only did these coaches have great certifications, but they HAD to BE with their soulmates in order to even be considered as a coach for us.

28546824 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?By the way, did you know that many “dating and relationships” coaches are not themselves in a relationship with their soulmates? Or in any relationship? Many are even “certified” that they can help you attract your soulmate and they are explicitly told that they do NOT have to be in a relationship with their soulmate (or anyone) to get certified (!).

Our coaches, however, were happily married and were great coaches. Our clients got caring and professional support, and yet…progress still stalled. Huh? They were wonderful people, whose hearts were in the right place. Here’s the thing…

Learning doesn’t really take place until it changes our behavior. Understanding something doesn’t get us to change our behavior.
Being told something doesn’t change our behavior, even if that something we are being told is enlightening and brilliant.

Our behavior doesn’t change until WE want to change it. And want to enough, with the right information and roadmap of HOW to change it and WHAT to change it to (that’s a biggie) – that will be different and better than the past.

So what’s happening in one on one coaching? You’re getting deeper and deeper into what you know about yourself, the world, your relationships, and why you’re still single, how you see things, and what you think your roadblocks are. That’s key – what you think are your roadblocks. And when someone tells you something directly to contradict that it’s kind of like a confrontation. And often we can only take so much confrontation before we shut down, get defensive (not outwardly, but inside, the “open to learning” door shuts), and numb out. Everyone thinks they don’t do that. But we ALL do that. Especially when we feel isolated and alone. When we feel like we are the only ones with this or that particular issue(s). And when we feel defeated, uninspired, and tired and… like nothing will ever change.

So how can we NOT get defensive? How can we NOT shut down and numb out? There are lots of ways, but let me explain it in a way that you can simply look back at your own experience in life. We learn best when we are having fun, when we don’t feel like it’s drudgery. Think back to your favorite learning experiences, in school or life. We also learn best when we feel inspired that what we are learning is relevant to us, meaning not just the subject matter, but that we can learn and apply it in our lives. We learn when we have other people, maybe even friends who are also learning with us so we don’t feel isolated. And most of all, we learn best when we don’t feel confronted. When we can OWN our new awarenesses because we feel that we have come up with them ourselves.

So…why don’t we offer one-on-one coaching anymore, and why is that even BETTER for our clients, and why are they now getting BETTER results?

As I said, we used to, but don’t anymore (except in certain circumstances) offer the one on one coaching. We have very specific reasons why based on almost 10 years of experience coaching in this area of love and relationships and personal empowerment. Here’s why:

21559086 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?We don’t do it anymore because we find that our clients get much better results in our live, community, experiential format than anything else. And…we find that many times it’s a sense that “my situation is so different” that leads someone to feel that only one-on-one coaching will work for them, when really it’s simply a case of not knowing what you don’t know. And that sense of separation contributes to isolation and feeling like something is very wrong with you. Now, nothing is wrong with you, but no matter how much you intellectually want to believe that, it’s only when you are in a room of other cool women (virtually or especially in person) just like you, that you can relax into knowing that you are most definitely NOT alone. We’ve worked with doctors, lawyers, business owners, famous people, and teachers, therapists, social workers, bartenders, secretaries, coaches – women from all walks of life with all sorts of backgrounds and situations. After ten years of doing this there’s pretty much nothing we haven’t seen or have experience with. And…we see life-changing results much faster than ever in achieved in one on one coaching, by us or anyone else. It’s not that we or they are not good coaches, it’s just that we humans are social animals, and being told, in isolation, even the most brilliant stuff in the world just doesn’t stick the way us having our own awareness do.

This is borne out by lots of educational research about how we learn, and it informs how we teach – we have fun, it’s experiential as much as possible, it’s interactive, and…it’s not all directed at YOU. Which, as it turns out, is a very good thing.

This was also illustrated when I asked a shaman that we study with how native cultures taught life lessons, educated people, or even just “kept people in line” – meaning… how did they teach “how to be a good citizen” and stuff like that? Surely people needing new info, learning “how to be” (or even how to not be a knucklehead sometimes) has happened all over, right? His answer was fascinating…

He said (paraphrasing) “we teach in the circle, so nobody feels isolated or picked on, and we teach indirectly, meaning we mention life lessons to everyone and those that are ready to hear it and own it do, and they change their behavior on their own, and nobody forces them or has to get in their face about it.”

You are unique. I am unique. Each person is unique, of course. And the way we teach, it’s both in community and unique to each individual person. Women who take our courses and programs (hey- seen our holiday sale?) routinely say that they think we are reading their minds – in the sense that we teach what they need, when they need it, in a way that is “in circle” and…unique to each person. So…you OWN it, and change happens faster, and is more fun.

18325238 l 1024x680 How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?Why does this work so well? Because you own it – because it’s YOUR idea to make changes, improvements, to try something different. And you change what you want to – you make changes in yourself and in your life. No confrontation and no defensiveness necessary. And since you aren’t wasting time talking about all the things stopping you, you have more time to consider all the things that are possible for you going forward. Most people cannot envision a soulmate love relationship, that’s why we spend WAY more time talking about what IS a healthy, loving, mutually respectful and mutually HOT relationship rather than on breakups, bad people, and issues from childhood. We DO address those things, but we link them to moving forward. Now. You already know what you don’t want, and don’t like – you’ve experienced all that for years, haven’t you? We move quickly through that so you can focus on, and get into alignment with, what you want and what’s REALLY possible for you.

What we hear again and again is that our clients really appreciate having fun while they learn, really appreciate learning in community with other like-minded and wonderful women. And they really like that we don’t do “lectures” so you don’t fall asleep from boredom (“death by PowerPoint” I’ve heard it called) , instead I teach in an interactive and whole brain learning style. And the women that we work with from all over the world really appreciate hearing from us BOTH. Because if we were not both there, on the phone, or in the room with you you’d probably wonder if all one of us was saying about the other was really true. Our clients tell us they learn almost as much from watching us interact, naturally, as from the lessons. Why? Because you can’t be what you can’t see.

Oh, and that whole “learn in community” part? It’s even MORE important to women. We human beings are social creatures for sure, and we need to be with like-minded people, especially when we are reaching for something special in our lives, dealing with hard stuff, or looking to be inspired about what’s possible. But men still can do okay is isolation and competition, and that’s why most learning in created that way (and one-on-one coaching is still in isolation- it’s you alone on phone or in person with your coach)…but women need connection, cooperation, and community. It lights up the brain in myriad ways, it releases feel-good hormones, and it makes learning way more effective.

22250274 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?

So…while one-on-one often makes us feel better, we have found that in what we do, it just doesn’t work as well and is actually the much slower and far more expensive route. The curriculum in our courses and programs allow much more impactful and lasting shifts that are realized much much faster than talking one on one.

Awhile back, Lara wrote about why learning in-person is the BEST, especially for women, and since it’s relevant I’m going to include two key pieces of that here for you.

From Lara: Here’s two key reasons why learning in community is one of the BEST ways to make a quantum leap forward in your life. I believe this helps to explain why one on one coaching is not something we are doing now:

The most common model of learning is a masculine model. For women, we need something very different.

You see, men love competition, and if they can get isolated then come out and compete to win, be on top, all the better. Women can do competition, for sure, but we love collaboration and cooperation with others on a similar path. In fact, the research is clear that all women and even most men learn better and produce better results when learning and growing in community, with collaboration, and cooperation.

14900754 s How we really learn, and is 1 on 1 coaching right for you?What does that have to do with you and your life? Well, often we feel that we must be alone when dealing with love and relationship challenges, when really we’d do better learning how to handle things better and do better with other women on the same path, with expert guidance, and full support. If you have found yourself wishing you could ask a book a question, or skipping over tough parts in the book entirely, that’s natural, you may just be a woman who is in touch with your desire to connect, and learning in community would make more sense for you.

Hearing other women in a ready made community of people who “get” what you’re up to and are excited about it themselves, is a more feminine model of learning.

I remember walking into a workshop and within five minutes realizing I had many people to talk with who “GOT” what I was doing there! We could exchange ideas, share resources, and support each other to grow and “go for it!” We could encourage each other when we were afraid and feel the pain of past failures together as well. It was a whole new exciting world and I could never go back.

So, this is why we only offer our teachings now in a group setting either in our home learning courses, live telecourses, or live event weekends. You’ll feel less isolated and more supported overall, which is a more magnetic energy to the life you dream of.

From Johnny again:
I hope you found this article helpful, albeit long and in depth.

Questions? Comments? Leave them in the comments section below. We love to hear from you and do our best to respond to every comment as soon as we possibly can.

Have a wonderful week!

Lara and Johnny Recommend:

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Wondering how you can accelerate the making of 2015 the year you finally attract the love and life you desire? It can start immediately from the comfort of your home. At your own pace. With huge savings. For a limited time.

Whether you are looking to quickly turn around the direction of your life, heal from a broken heart, or learn how to date in alignment with soulmate love – our carefully created Home Learning Courses are the next best thing to learning with us live – and you can begin instantly so your holiday season can be a season of preparation for something different and better in 2015, rather than just another holidays season alone.

Our Holiday Home Learning Course Sale starts today – click HERE to learn more and grab your course and see our amazing bundles for even greater savings and an awesome bonus!

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Have you been there, done that, in love?

December 2, 2014

Whenever Johnny and I share about one of our courses – either live, home learning, or in person – we invariably get at least one person who says something along the lines of: “No offense, but I’ve got a vision board. I read books, talk with my friends, pray, and do affirmations on my own […]

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8 actions NOT to do when looking for love

November 25, 2014

As I said in a blog post awhile ago, (that seemed to get a rise out of a lot of women in our community!), finding your soulmate will take longer than you think and longer than you want. But that doesn’t mean it’ll be years and years from now, in fact, I’ll bet you’re ALREADY […]

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What we can learn from Kim Kardashian

November 18, 2014

What an incredible week. Right now, I am celebrating my amazing daughter Isabelle, who just published her fourth novel! We just ordered it from Amazon, and it arrived this week: In case you’d like to order it for yourself or to inspire the young aspiring writer in your life, here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Forenay-Where-would-were-immortal/dp/1500428981/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416011391&sr=8-1&keywords=forenay This week also […]

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Did that painful breakup make you BETTER?

November 11, 2014

After a great weekend delivering a workshop to our clients, we are resting and rejuvenating ourselves right now. There’s nothing like supporting amazing, powerful, awesome women in remembering how amazing, powerful and awesome they truly are! I’m excited to share our video teaching series The Magic of Heartbreak, with you for a limited time. I’ve […]

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